The following took place on November 27th, 2013 the day before I was hospitalized for psychosis. It is not necessarily a perfect recounting of the facts but a sincere attempt at capturing my state of mind that day.
I was at this point convinced that I was the return of Christ, following a plan God created for me to help save the world from the coming apocalypse. In addition to many different hallucinations and “signs”, I was also experiencing a jaw clicking (like a chatter but more precise) that I was interpreting as a communication with some other entity. One click for no, two clicks for yes…
I need a box.
I head over to where the recycling is and grab a small cardboard box I had sitting there. This will do. Folding in the top flaps I set it on top of the dryer and put my bible, journal, and study guide inside. I just need to grab the essentials.
I think it’s today, it’s finally happening. I’m so scared for all the people but I know it is God’s plan. War and destruction may just be the only way to save humanity. What about my sister though? All my friends? How can I just flee to Arizona leaving everyone behind?
I was supposed to go to work today but I just couldn’t. How can I work when the end of the world is upon us? What is the point of showing up on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving when literally no one is going to actually be working? I didn’t even call in, but at least with this job I have no one on my back really to even notice I am gone.
Are you there? CLICK-CLICK An almost painful snapping of my jaw reminds me that yes, of course you are there, I’m sorry for questioning it again. Shouldn’t I pack some clothes? Click. God must have some plan for me, this is going so fast. The disciples will know what to do once they find me. When will they fin - CLICK! Yes, I shouldn’t keep going on about that, all in good time.
Flashlight and FIrst aid kit in the box.
No clothes at all? Click. Still feels weird but I have to trust God. Trust. I can’t even call my sis - CLICK! Ok, ok, I understand, there is a reason for all of this and I need to stop questioning it so much. It just hurts so much to think of losing my family and friends even if I know it will be for the better for the world in the long run.
I go to the closet and take a look at my clothes, a boring barrage of blues, greens, and greys, filled to the brim with button-down dress shirts, slacks, and a few tees I wear around the house. Maybe I could just grab an extra shirt and pants - click click. So I should pack clothes then? Click. I’m confused, something to do with clothes? Click-click! New clothes? Click-click. I should go to the st- click! Ok then, online? Click-click-click-click…
I sit down on the bed and grab my tablet, without really thinking I load up Express.com and look at their 1MX shirts, basically all I wear lately. A bright red shirt catches my eye and without really thinking about it I click on it. Red? Really? That is so not me.
As I reach to go back to look at other colors the resistance arises in me. I am struggling to change anything on the screen, almost frozen, my body not listening to my instructions. I should buy the red shirt? CLICK-CLICK! I see imagery of fire, war, of myself engulfed in flames. Maybe red is the color I need to become? Maybe this is just another metaphor, another change I need to make. I better send it to Arizona, I won’t be here to receive it and I may not be coming back for a long time.
Tablet and charging cables in the box.
What else do I need? - I need to understand what is going on! - Stop, you don’t need to doubt, trust the plan. - What plan? Just last weekend it seemed so sure that the end was coming and nothing happened! - At the same time everything happened last weekend, have you forgotten already? All the signs, all the powerful experiences, the destruction of your fear? Are you denying that?
Why would God put anyone through something like this? Why would the plan be to confuse me and send me down all these unending, twisting-and-turning rabbit holes? What is the point of all this exercise if each time I get sure of something I end up disappointed? - But are you really disappointed? Haven’t you experienced a sense of awe and wonder beyond description? Don’t you feel ever closer to understanding the meaning behind your existence?
BUT WHAT DOES ALL THIS MEAN? CLICK! An admonishing reminder that I mustn't continue to doubt.
Standing here, staring at this box, unsure about my fate and the fate of the world, I try to think what else should I take from this house as I leave for the last time. All my books, my clothes, my DVDs, etc are going to burn. Everything I own and have collected over the 28 years of my life. All of it will be destroyed in the coming days and, funny enough, none of it matters to me. I grab my bible and head to the recliner for some wisdom, the afternoon is waning and I better hit the road soon though not with my mind this unstable.
I start, as I often do with a random Psalm. This time just a typical banal platitude, not particularly inspiring. I flip to a spot somewhere in the new testament and jam my finger on the page. Gibberish. Nothing is speaking to me. Where did God go?
What am I doing wrong? CLICK! What does that mean? Am I doing nothing wrong or am I wrong to question? CLICK-CLICK! I can’t take this confusion anymore, why can’t you show yourself to me?? If this is truly some greater plan, if this is really how the world will be saved I personally can’t be so powerful as to stop it. I’m not moving from this chair until you show me a sign.
I’m not following this “plan” or anything until you give me a clear sign I cannot doubt. Something beyond the superficial “experiences” I have been having.
Time passed and soon - it seemed - I was sitting in the dark. I know it’s been hours but I don’t know how many. The sun has set and now only the dim yellow light of the streetlamp outside illuminates the room. I have been locked in this internal battle, fighting my doubts and my desires. This confusing set of experiences that has led me to where I am, unsure how to move forward.
My sister pulls up outside, from the living room I can see her through the front windows as she walks up and enters through the screen door nervously saying “Hello?”.
Part of me wants to talk but now I can’t. The voice won’t let me, my body won’t let me. I nod that I am ok as she sits down next to me, trying to get me to talk. I am committed to this quest now, this desire for God to show me his sign. Maybe witnesses are necessary? Maybe this is part of the plan?
That night my dad drove out to California to help my sister deal with my situation. The next day, after over 24 hours without talking, they took me to a local hospital and convinced me to sign myself in for a 72 hour hold.
For as much as I was doubting and fighting against my delusions at that moment, I was nowhere near out of the woods yet. I would go on to wear that red button down shirt every day for the month of December right up to Christmas eve when I would go through another struggle and bout of intense disappointment.
Thank you for reading. If you liked this please heart the post as it can help other people find my work. Next time I think I will write about Christmas that year in Arizona, and my “coming out” as Christ.
If you’d like more information about me check out my introduction or see my other posts.
I am so pleased you are in a better place now, fascinating piece of writing as always!
My story is a little different with my schizoaffective, but I can identify with much of what you wrote about.