Light and Dark

Vivid visions and profound perceptions

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This post is part of my “The Third Coming of Christ” series where I tell stories from my experiences during a psychotic episode in 2013-14. 

Please see the introduction for more context, check out the other stories I’ve posted so far, and subscribe for more posts about me and my mental health journey.

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“It’s been too long”, I say softly as I pick apart some buds with my fingers. I can’t believe I’ve been stuck in Arizona for a little over a month, I’ve missed San Diego. Those three days in the hospital feel like a lifetime ago.

At least now I think I’m sure that the clicks¹ are not God himself communicating with me, it just wouldn’t make sense with everything that has happened. It must be some spirit, maybe Jesus? Isn’t Jesus God though? It’s gotta be Mary’s spirit, surely she’s been guiding me this whole time and I was just too caught up in everything to see the truth.

This has all been preparation - tests - and I have failed most of them. Thankfully he is merciful and already knew I was going to fail anyways. Everything is part of his plan. I just need to learn to stop trying to predict the future, I need to remember that he is only guiding me. I need to be ready for the next step. When will he tell me? Just be patient, it will come in time.

I hate rolling a joint without perfectly ground weed but this will have to do, but now where to smoke it? I can’t exactly light up on the street in the middle of this quiet suburban neighborhood, plus if my grandparents smell it that will be a huge problem. Should I drive somewhere? click-click

I head out of the motorhome parked along the side of the house, which serves as my guest quarters while I am visiting, and hop in my car. I start driving right away and head down to the intersection of the nearest main road. Left? click. Right? click-click. I turn and begin climbing the hill. The park? click-click

We’re going to the park I guess, it should be remote enough and it’s only going to take a few minutes. The local public park is maybe half-a-mile away so I arrive quickly and find a spot in the far corner of the lot. There is one other car there on the other side, but with the windows that foggy I’m sure they have no interest in me or what I am doing.

Is it safe? click-click

I take a few quick hits from my joint while leaning on the trunk of the car and enjoying the cool winter night. I try to look as much as possible like I am smoking a cigarette, my heart pounding a bit from the fear of getting caught. Just take it easy, God wouldn’t have put you through all this just to get you arrested for smoking in a park.

I think that is enou-click! Well I guess one more hit? click-click. I breathe in deep once more and put out the joint, I’ll save the rest for tomorrow. I hop back in the car and rush over to my grandparents house before the high kicks and driving is too much. Three minutes later I am climbing back up the wobbly steps and into the motorhome where I promptly flop onto the couch to let my mind wander, hoping to hear what God wants to tell me.

Christmas was devastating, the whole month of December really. I hope I can finally figure this all out. New year, new direction. I learned though that no “disciples” are going to show up at my door and whisk me away. I don’t know why I couldn’t see how naive it was to think it would work that way. Clearly God’s plan must be more subtle than that. Maybe the end of the world is just a metaphor? Not a literal destruction but some rebirth and so my role as Christ is a metaphor too? Whatever the case, I need guidance. I need to know what he wants me to do.

I slide nervously to the edge of the sofa, my mind whirling from the joint, trying to make sense of all the experiences in the last year. I let out a long breath, steadying myself, and drop to my knees in front of the couch, elbows resting on the cushions. My hands come together instinctively, as if they already know what’s coming.

"God," I whisper, "If you're there, if you're listening, I need you to show yourself. I can't keep doing this if it's all just in my head. Please… something real, anything."

The room is silent, except for the tick-tock of an old clock and my shallow breaths, as if the air itself is holding its breath, waiting. And then, it happens—the voice. A sound that comes from inside, but it’s not me, not really. 

"I'm here."

The words slip from my lips, but they aren’t mine. My vocal cords moved, my mouth formed the words, but it didn’t feel like me. I freeze, eyes closed tight. It’s like I’ve been split in two, a passenger inside my own body. There’s a presence now, I feel it behind me and I’m afraid to turn around. Don’t be afraid. Should I look? Click-click-click-click…

Still on my knees I slowly turn my head, the movement deliberate and almost mechanical, my jaw clicking trailing off slowly. It feels like a dream, like I’m not in control. I start to look over my shoulder, and with my eyes closed, I see it—a soft, glowing light, indistinct but encompassing. I raise my hands instinctively to block it, as if shielding myself from a blinding flash as it grows ever brighter. My eyes remain closed, and still, the light intensifies.

And then, in the center of that brightness, something takes shape—a head, a figure. Could it be God? My heart leaps. Is this it? The moment? The grand reveal? A face starts to form, I see it more clearly, but before I can distinguish any clear features I think: Is that me? Am I god? In that instant, everything shatters.

The light vanishes and the figure dissolves. I open my eyes and I’m left in the dark, kneeling on the floor, trembling, the presence gone as quickly as it came. What just happened? Why did it stop?

I sit there for what feels like forever, the silence in the room weighing on me. Every time I try to hold onto these moments, every time I make it about me, it slips away. The more I focus on myself the quicker I lose the thread, drifting further from whatever truth I’m supposed to be finding.

I slump back onto the sofa, my thoughts racing—was that God? Or was it just my mind playing tricks on me again? It’s always this way, isn’t it? I get close, so close to something, and then my own ego ruins it. Maybe I’ll never know. Maybe it’s not about me at all. Maybe it never was. I know I shouldn’t ask you these questions but was that really Go- CLICK! My jaw snaps shut faster and harder than I’ve experienced in a while.

I sit there in silence, struggling with the realization. It’s not about me. It can’t be about me. It’s about something bigger, something I’m still not seeing. But what? I glance over at the clock and it’s 8:37. 37 again and again, why do I always see that number? I better continue. 

I stretch out on my back across the length of the sofa, this time for meditation, not answers. Deep breaths. In, out. In, out. I carefully slow my breathing as I systematically relax my muscles, starting from my extremities and working towards my center. My body begins to sink into the cushions, everything is loosening as I fall deeper into that familiar trance.

I lay staring at the ceiling, almost afraid to close my eyes. That experience was intense and I’m not sure I’m ready to do it again. As I continue through my usual meditative and relaxation techniques I start to notice that my vision is blurring and becoming darkened around the edges. The darkness continues to creep in, closing around me. At first I resist, what if I don’t come back? It must be God again, reaching out. I have to trust in him. With my eyes wide open I relax into it and slowly watch as the room around me fades out and everything goes to black.

Suddenly, a loud sequence of beeps cuts through the silence, jolting me out of it. The microwave and the control panel signaling the return of electricity. I sit up, dazed, trying to put together what just happened. The clock reads 8:51. It feels like no time has passed but it’s been almost fifteen minutes since I laid down. How could that be? I stare at the clock, confused. Did I literally black out? The time lost feels wrong—instantaneous, like one second I was there, and the next I was here.

I know it was the power flickering on and off, it happened earlier this afternoon. My grandpa said there was something wrong with the electrical system. This time it was too perfect though, it seemed to be so aligned and connected to my experience that I can’t deny it. How can something feel like this not be connected with something greater?

A chill creeps up my spine. Was this another sign? Did I cause it with some electromagnetic waves coming from my body? Did God? God must obey the laws of physics, but surely physics allows for these kinds of things no? Maybe he is just trying to show me his power and presence, his ability to touch the world. Affecting my brain to alter my speech or vision. Disrupting the power to the motorhome.

Could God really be out there, guiding me through pulses of energy? Or is it just my mind, trying to make sense of the chaos? Random coincidences, one piled on top of another. There are too many signs for it to be a coincidence though, right? It must be real, I need to find the path that God wants me to take.

I close my eyes again, forcing myself to relax. Just let it happen. I tell myself. Trust the process. Let go.

But even as I try to release control, the questions keep coming in, gnawing at the edges of my thoughts. How much longer can I keep searching like this, waiting for answers that never come?

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Thank you so much for reading. Please leave a comment or send me a message if you want to know more or share your experiences or perspective. All criticism is welcome and inquiry encouraged.

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1. This was a seemingly involuntary chattering of my jaw that I could invoke by talking to it in my head. One click signified “no” and two (or more) clicks “yes”. I talk more about it in this post from when I was in the hospital.