"I AM CHRIST AND I HAVE RETURNED!"
On my first hospitalization for psychosis
This is the first post in my “The Third Coming of Christ” series. Please see the introduction for context and follow for more stories about my mental health journey.
“I am Christ and I have returned”, I said as I slowly stood up from the couch.
I was watching YouTube one night in late November at my closest friend's house, they were either political or science related videos, I can’t remember exactly but whatever it was something I saw triggered me. Or was it the weed? The weed certainly played a big role.
Just the day before I was released from a 72 hour hold in a mental hospital in San Diego for a psychotic break. My sister had found me sitting in my recliner after I hadn’t answered anyone’s text messages for almost a day. After she arrived I then proceeded to stay sitting in that chair without talking or eating for the next 24 hours straight.
My father, upon hearing of my strange behavior, got immediately in his car and left Arizona arriving sometime in the middle of the night. They spent most of the next day trying to talk to me and determine what was going on but I steadfastly maintained my silence. In my head I was waiting for the next sign from god, the plan was forming and soon all would make sense. After exhausting all efforts to get something out of me they decided to gently force me into the car and we headed to the hospital.
This didn’t occur quickly really, I had been devolving in my delusions and hallucinations for well over 6 months at that point but somehow had managed to avoid detection by any of my friends or family. Certainly they knew something weird was up as I had become obsessively religious and my conversations generally centered on political revolution and supernatural powers, but as far as they ever told me they never knew anything serious was going on.
“I am Christ and I have returned”. This time a little louder. It felt to me at the time like the words were just falling out of my mouth, I honestly didn’t think it was me talking but more like I was channeling this voice inside me. My friends' faces went from awkward smiles to concern at this point.
For weeks now I had been having these “physical experiences” as I called them, “involuntary” movements centered mostly on my mouth, though occasionally involving my whole body. When I was first checked into the mental hospital, after that whole day without talking, I spent several hours standing in the small courtyard they have for the patients doing what could best be described as speaking in tongues. Though there was some mix of singing “Hallelujah” and other similar hymnal-like songs.
“I am Christ and I have returned!” Ever louder now.
This wasn’t the first time I was confessing my Christhood though, that had occurred about a week or so earlier on a trip to the mountains with the same friends. There I was absolutely convinced that while we were in our cabin the beginning of the end-of-the-world was going to happen and that this group of friends and I were going to travel the country doing “Christ things”, performing miracles etc.
Honestly I had no clear idea at all what I was going to do but I knew that these friends were going to be my “disciples” and we had a very important message to share and a mission to accomplish for god. As I sat there telling them all my belief in my divine nature they became very concerned and told me to “take it easy”. We were just getting ready to start drinking and partying for the night but quickly it all fell apart and they went off to bed. The next day nobody talked about it again.
Considering that about 1 in 50 people will develop a psychotic disorder in their lives, I feel like society could do better to teach people how to identify it and how to help their friends and loved ones seek help. Instead what I received was blank stares and zero response or action. Although not the most helpful, it was at least not unhelpful and I am grateful that I was treated with respect. In the end I was able to successfully progress though my psychotic symptoms and reach a place of stability.
“I AM CHRIST AND I HAVE RETURNED!”
“I AM CHRIST AND I HAVE RETURNED!”
Yelling at the top of my lungs now my friends' faces turn to pure fear. This went on for several iterations until I-don’t-know-what broke the loop. I then went on to act as if nothing had happened and shortly thereafter returned to my own home not far away.
I had been allowed to leave the hospital mostly on the condition that I was going to Arizona to live with my parents. I don’t know if the judge thought this was truly in my best interest or it was simply in the best interest of California. Either way, the next day my dad drove us out to my parents house where I was to await the next step in “god’s plan”, Christmas was coming soon after all…
Thank you for reading. The next story in the series can be found here:
That Time I Autographed a Bible.
Erick, thanks for sharing a little of your experiences. I too have experienced increased religiosity with my schizoaffective disorder. At times feeling to be an agent of God. I have read that it's not uncommon for people with our illness to experience this. It is definitely worth exploring more for me. I kind of sweep the past under the rug when I'm medicated and well, but I mustn't forget.
Your story is deeply moving and powerful. You vividly describe the intensity of your experiences, from the psychotic break to believing you were Christ. It's a painful reminder of how necessary it is for society to better understand and support people dealing with psychosis. I'm glad to hear you've found stability. And thank you for bravely sharing such a personal and eye-opening journey. I'm so glad I read this.